We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
