I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
