Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
