i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
