How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
