Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
