Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
