Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
