FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
