You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
