I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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