i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
