so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
smell my finger.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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