i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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