low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
