For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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