just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
