I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
