and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Pants are for mortals
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