you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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