I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
