can we get nightvision for the apartment?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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