You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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