she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
