im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
