Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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