Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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