his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
