I feel like abortions should bother me more
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
