Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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