I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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