So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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