Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
