Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
