I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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