my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
