So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
