My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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