Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
