my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
