just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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