if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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