So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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