it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
