Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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