Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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