3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
