his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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