i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
