btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
